HAZEL PARK, MI—In a statement made to reporters earlier this afternoon, local idiot Brandon Mylenek, 26, announced that at approximately 2:30 a.m. tonight, he plans to post an idiotic comment beneath a video on an Internet website. Mylenek, who rarely in his life has been capable of formulating an idea or opinion worth the amount of oxygen required to express it, went on to guarantee that the text of his comment would be misspelled to the point of incomprehension, that it would defy the laws of both logic and grammar, and that it would alledge that several elements of the video are homosexual in nature. "The result will be an astonishing combination of ignorance, offensiveness, and sheer idiocy." Mylenek said he fully expects that his comment will spawn a series of replies from other idiots around the world, who will either agree with his stance, disagree with his stance, or call Mylenek himself a "d0uche" and post an irrelevant link to a separate video that they will claim to be "way funnier." According to Mylenek, this is all part of the plan."We are blessed to be living in an age when we have a global communications network in which idiots, assholes, and total and complete wastes of fucking human life alike can come together to give instant feedback in an unfettered and unmonitored online environment," Mylenek said. "What better way to take advantage of this incredible technology than to log onto the Internet and insult a complete stranger?"

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My only regret in life is that I didn’t write this article myself.  Because this sums up 97% of the people who comment on our message board much better than I ever could.   The good news is we are only weeks away from being able to ban people at the drop of a hat.   This should seriously cut down on the asshole factor and put Barstool Sports one step closer to the dictatorship that I’ve always envisioned.