LONGMONT, Colo. (AP) - A man claiming to be a police detective tried to get an adult novelty shop to give him free X-rated videos, saying he wanted to make sure the performers weren't underage, authorities said. He made three tries within nine days last month and was turned down each time. The store manager called police after the third try. Authorities said Monday that the man showed a badge and left a business card from the Longmont police "age verification unit." Cmdr. Tim Lewis said there is no such unit. The business card didn't have anyone's name on it, but the store gave officers surveillance video of the man. Police are looking for him.

This is an outrage. What does Cmdr. Lewis mean the police don't have an Age Verification Unit? What the hell are the people of Longmont paying taxes for? I'll bet they've got an Animal Control Officer, meter maids, a Fish & Game Warden. But who's there to protect the citizenry from porn with underage girls in it? This is a public safety issue. If anything, this guy is a hero, selflessly sacrificing his own needs to serve the greater good. He's Batman. And like the Dark Knight, instead of thanking him for his public service, they're calling him a vigilante and hunting him down. Well I for one am calling this guy what he is: an anonymous hero who's helping protect the porn video store loitering public of Longmont, CO.

And to the police department of my town: When you do become enlightened enough to form an Age Verification Unit, you have my resume' on file. In the meantime, I'll be writing the pilot for "Law & Order: AVU."