Random Thoughts

Introducing Emma from URI via Scituate.   Or should I say Emma about to be from URI.  Yup Emma is the #1 recruit in the entire country according to Rivals.com and the Rams haven’t’ been this excited for an arrival on campus since the days of Lamar Oden.  And just in case you’re wondering high school girls are ineligible to be Smokeshows of the Day.  I don’t care whether your 18 or 35.  But once you graduate, as long as your 18 years old, we will feature you if you're hot enough, despite what the First Lady says.   I mean Emma’s obviously way too young for me, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have younger Stoolies like Jacoby Ellsbury who want to know about this girl.  Oh wait he already does....

Do you know any smokeshows?  Send them our way to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Click for more of Emma

Well that was a disappointment. I mean if a commercial is going to get banned in the US, I'd expect to get at least get a boner from watching it right? But my dick didn't even think about moving here. In fact, I can think of about 20 commercials that are worse/better than this. Is it banned just because of that quick nip slip? That seems like a silly reason not to be able to show a commercial. Time for the Stoolies to vote. Should this commercial be banned?

Vote 1 for yes and 10 for no

Nine congressmen are adding their voices to the push to get the NCAA to alter its policy allowing beer and wine cooler ads during TV telecasts. The congressmen today sent a letter to NCAA President Myles Brand urging the NCAA to ban alcohol ads entirely from broadcasts.

“We find it puzzling that NCAA advertising rules prohibit ads for cigarettes, other tobacco products, organizations promoting gambling and alcohol beverages, yet continue to allow ads for beverages with alcohol content of 6% or less,” said the letter. “Given the devastating problems caused by underage college drinking, much of it in the form of beer, that policy makes little sense and flouts the core value of sports and learning. Please act to protect the integrity of college sports and the health and safety interests of college students, athletes and young fans by ending all advertising during NCAA broadcasts,” the letter said.

Thank God all our problems are solved and now we can get onto the really important matters like beer ads during football games. The crappy economy, the war, the price of gas and football coaches taping other teams signals, have all been taken care of through the unflappable determination and tireless efforts of our fine public servants. So now they can turn their attention to saving us all from the scourge of beer commercials, which have torn at the very fabric of our way of life. Now we can all get back to an America the way it was when our congressmen were in school: wholesome, innocent and free of vice. A nation of sober collegians focused on their studies, teetotaling academics spending their Saturdays rooting on their school team free from booze and temperate coeds being seduced without evil alcohol to spoil the fun. Keep up the good work, congress, and vote yourself a nice pay raise. You deserve it.

AUGUST 6--While on patrol Monday evening, an Indiana cop noticed a naked guy standing in the window of a Fort Wayne home. So she approached the man's front door, which was wide open, to investigate further. It was then that Officer S. Hughes and a colleague were treated to the sight of a prone Ronald Miller, 56, engaging in a remarkably lewd act on his living room sofa. For the dirty details, you'll have to read the below Fort Wayne Police Department report, which notes that Miller is apparently handy with a claw hammer and some motor oil. Miller, pictured in the mug shot at right, was arrested on a felony indecency charge. A neighbor told cops that Miller was "not right" and parades around naked "24/24."

Just in case you didn’t read the police report, Mr. Miller was busted with the claw hammer up his asshole and motor oil smeared all over his dick.  Yawn. Same old same old.   Regardless let this be a lesson to all the kids out there.  When you’re about to get freaky with the claw hammer, close the blinds.   It’s common sense really.

It’s a legitimate question.  Are the Yankees done this year?   Not only did big bad Joba Chamberlain go on the DL today, (rumor has it he originally hurt his shoulder trying to get extra oomph on a fastball he threw at Youk’s head so it would kill him) but the Devil Rays don’t show any signs of slowing down anytime soon and neither do the Red Sox.    And according to my math only 2 out of these 3 teams can make the playoffs.   Don’t get me wrong I still think the Devil Dogs will fade starting in mid to late August, but the Yankees are digging a ditch they may not be able to get out from.    And this leads into another question that I’ve been pondering for a long time.   Why does everybody universally say that Brian Cashman is a great GM?    Because I fucking guarantee that if you give me basically an unlimited payroll not only will my team win the Division every year, but we’ll win the World Series at least once every 3 years.    Cashman has spent more money on bums than anybody in the history of the game.    Yet whenever I hear anybody talk about him it’s always something to the effect “the Yankees won’t know how great Brian Cashman is until he’s gone”   Why?   I hope he stays in NY because he’s awful.   I mean for the past decade all he has done is assemble the most overpaid group of losers on the planet.       Yet people keep sucking his dick.    Anyway back to original question.  Do you think the Yankees will make the playoffs this year?

Vote 1 for yes and 10 for no

"Nice Tits Pat"

(photo from geekologie)

Telegraph.com - A Russian advertising executive who sued her boss for sexual harassment lost her case after a judge ruled that employers were obliged to make passes at female staff to enusre the survival of the human race.  The unnamed executive, a 22-year-old from St Petersburg, had been hoping to become only the third woman in Russia's history to bring a successful sexual harassment action against a male employer. She alleged she had been locked out of her office after she refused to have intimate relations with her 47-year-old boss. "He always demanded that female workers signalled to him with their eyes that they desperately wanted to be laid on the boardroom table as soon as he gave the word," she earlier told the court. "I didn't realise at first that he wasn't speaking metaphorically."  The judge said he threw out the case not through lack of evidence but because the employer had acted gallantly rather than criminally. "If we had no sexual harassment we would have no children," the judge ruled.  According to a recent survey, 100 per cent of female professionals said they had been subjected to sexual harassment by their bosses, 32 per cent said they had had intercourse with them at least once. Women also report that it is common to be browbeaten into sex during job interviews, while female students regularly complain that university professors trade high marks for sexual favours.

Russia has a 100% sexual harassment rate?   I would have said it was impossible if I didn’t read it with my own two eyes.  Regardless, that whoosh sound you just heard at your desk was me sprinting to Logan Airport to jump on the first plane to the Soviet Union.    Seriously who won the Cold War again?   You can’t even rub up against a chick’s ass on the Green Line without getting arrested here, never mind demanding that they give you the “fuck me eyes” to signal they want to get “desperately laid” on the board room table.   So you tell me.  Who is the real Superpower?    

PS - I totally started Barstool Sports in the wrong country.   I literally feel bad for myself right now thinking of all the girls I could have ordered to have sex with me.

Double PS -  I’d love to know what happened in the 3 sexual harassment cases that the chicks actually won?  That must have been some crazy shit.   Anal everywhere I bet.

Well it looks like every male in America and the Universe can cross one thing off their list of things to do before they die. Click here to see Heidi Klum's boobs. Obviously NSFW.

PS - It's kind of disappointing. I don't know why but I was expecting lasers,fireworks and the secret of life to be shooting out of them. In hindsight I guess that was kind of unrealistic.

(Photos courtesy The Republican, Associated Press: Red Sox fan Charles Hillios, top, of Chicopee is suing the Yankees over an assault by Yankees fan Shawn Sellick, bottom, and another man.)

CHICOPEE- When 40-year-old Charles Hillios traveled to Yankee Stadium on Aug. 29, 2007, to watch his Boston Red Sox take on the rival New York Yankees, his team wasn't the only one to take a beating. Nearly a year later, Hillios has filed a federal lawsuit against the Yankees, a stadium security firm and two Yankees fans he claims beat him during the game. In the lawsuit, Hillios says he was harassed by two Yankees fans because he was cheering for the Red Sox. The suit says that security at the ballpark warned the two Yankees fans to leave Hillios alone, but when Hillios went to the concession stand the two men followed him and "viciously attacked and physically assaulted" him.Shawn Sellick and Daniel Benjamin were arrested at the stadium on the night of the beating and later pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault charges, according to the New York Post. The newspaper quotes from the criminal complaint that Benjamin threw Hillios to the ground and squeezed his neck so tightly that Hillios couldn't breathe. Sellick then "kicked (him) in his face, torso and legs." Hillios told the New York Post he's doing better physically, but is scheduled for a second eye surgery.

This is unbelievable!   UNBELIEVABLE!     No, not the story, but the pictures!   I mean come on!  These guys have to fake right!   Seriously is Shawn Cellick a real person or just an actor playing the role of the asshole Yankee fan?   Because this is just too perfect!  I mean he nailed it all the way down to his Bluetooth ear piece which you know isn’t actually connected to anything.    And no offense to Charles Hillios but something tells me he wasn’t just an innocent bystander either.  Both of these guys have fight written all over them.     I feel like I’m reading the Onion or something except I’m not.  Or am I?   Again I ask how can Shawn Cellick be real?   God better not be playing a joke on me.  

(I hate this fucking guy)

Boston.com - Remember when 19-0 was so close you could taste it? A New York Giants fan treks the dirt roads to a one-room shack in an impoverished Nicaraguan village in search of a painful piece of Super Bowl memorabilia for Patriots fans everywhere…With a trip to Panama and Costa Rica already in the offing, Ilan, my roommate at Boston University, and I, both lifelong Giants fans, decided that dipping into Nicaragua for a few days to try and get our hands on the rare collectors' items was a necessary addition to our itinerary.

I have a dumb question.   Why was this on the front page of Boston.com?  Who fucking cares what two BU kids from New York did on Spring Break? I mean what is the point of this story besides rubbing it in our faces?   I literally puked when I started reading this junk.   Seriously is the Globe a Boston newspaper or not?  This is a slap in the face to the entire Commonwealth.     And to be honest I debated whether I even wanted to mention it, but I just can’t let an injustice like this slide by.  The editor at the Globe needs to be fired immediately for letting this go to print and the douchebag who wrote this should be executed or deported at the very least.    

The Jets, making their boldest personnel move in team history, last night acquired Brett Favre in a blockbuster trade with the Packers. It's a move that completely alters the face of the Jets franchise and immediately has a chance to make the 2008 season something special. The move gives the Jets their most iconic player since the days of Joe Namath. The compensation to the Packers is believed to be a conditional 2009 third or fourth-round draft pick that could become a first- or second-round pick depending on Favre's performance and the team's success.

Thank you, Football Gods. From the bottom of my transfat-clogged heart, thank you. This proves the power of prayer, because from the moment I first heard Gang Green was in the running for Brettfavre, I've been wearing out a prayer rug, humbly beseeching them to deliver Bayou Hamlet to New York.

Having the Brettfavre circus come to Hempstead is manna from heaven to Patriots fans bloodthirsty for revenge for all the evils done upon them by that fat, thieving weasel Eric Mangini. Because to paraphrase Mayor Menino, Brettfavre is going to be an Alcatraz around Mangina's neck. Of course Jets fans will say "But he was one play from taking Green Bay to the Super Bowl," which we've heard ad nauseum all year. But they're ignoring the fact 2007 was an anomaly. Those terrible passes at the end of the NFC Championship Game were his default setting. That in the years prior to '07, Brettfavre was an embarrassment to himself and to his legacy; that he had played his way off the Top Ten All-Time QBs list. The fact is that Brettfavre has slipped badly in recent years and his committment to offseason conditioning had declined to almost nothing. So after the '06 season, the Packers assigned a personal trainer and paid him $5,000 a week to fly out to Mississippi and see to it that Brettfavre was in shape and ready to go, and he responded with good numbers. So ask yourself this: in the midst of an offseason spent tearfully retiring, then unretiring, bitching for his job back, flying to Packers camp, having six hour meetings with the coach, then flying home without taking a snap, then forcing a trade... where in all that has Brettfavre gotten himself ready to play a season of NFL football?

And now a reader poll: In the two games the Jets play vs. the Patriots this year, how many INTs will Brettfavre throw? I'm putting the over/under at 8.

Click Here For More Pics of Gabrielle.

Send all Wake Up nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com