Random Thoughts

With all due apologies to Dusty Rhodes, Marisa Miller is the true American Dream. And the good news is now that's she's 30 she can officially pick her own partner in the 2009 Brownies Beer Die Open.

Introducing Daina from Quinnipiac.  Don’t know how to spell Quinnipiac but it eats pretty good.    (Sorry)    Anyway I’m starting to depress the shit out of myself with all these hot chicks we’ve been featuring lately.    I feel like I’m missing out on life or something.    Not to mention the fact that like 94% of them are brunettes with great asses which if you’ve been paying close attention you know is my wheelhouse.

Keep the nominations coming!   A couple more like this and I may actually start working out.    Send all smokeshows to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Click for more of Daina

Inside Track - New England Patriots[team stats] QB/QT Tom Brady [stats] took a pass on practice yesterday probably to rest up from the rockin’ Coldplay show he took in with glamazon galpal Gisele Bundchen at the TD Banknorth Garden! Tom, who is reportedly a HUGE fan of Chris Martin & Co., blew out of a late practice at Gillette Stadium Monday night to join Gi and her GFs at the Garden shortly after the British rockers took the stage at 10 p.m. In fact, Martin dedicated the last song, “Death and All His Friends,” a cut off the new CD, to Brady. Perhaps Chris’ good buddy, Bono of U2, told him a shout-out to No. 12 always brings down the Boston house!  “I don’t want to do this really because it’s cheesy . . . but we’re great fans of his and he’s probably left the building anyway,” said the Coldplay frontman. “We’d like to dedicate this to Tom Brady - your quarterback. We’re big fans of his and very honored he came to the show, and I hope to goodness it was worth it."

Listen I love Tom Brady as much as the next guy.   If he declared Prima Nocte so he could sleep with the First Lady I’d just tip my cap and be like “a rule is a rule”.   But this story gives me the willies.   Tom Brady is already a big enough metrosexual without having Cold Play trying to give him the gay.  Maybe if this was like Iron Maiden or something than it would be a different story.  I almost feel bad for Gisele.   I bet Brady ripped her apart just to erase any doubts she may have had about his sexuality after this episode.       

A lot times people ask me questions about The Stool. Where do you get the Smokeshows?  Do you know the Smokeshows?  How can I meet a Smokeshow?  Hey, what about the ass on that Smokeshow?  Stuff like that.  Naturally I do my best to answer all inquiries, however last night I got a question which not only have I never heard before, but never thought I’d ever hear.  The question – why don’t you have more “Met coverage” at The Stool?  Now obviously this is a Boston-based website/paper, so unlike the Yankees, I can’t imagine too many people care about the Mets.  However this guy is a loyal reader and is also a Mets fan.  So does he have a case?  Well sure, the Mets year in and year out are one of the most entertaining teams in all of baseball.  Nobody loses games like the Mets.  Nobody wins games like the Mets, i.e. last night.  In other words there’s always high drama either way.  The problem is, 1., they play in the National League a.k.a. the B League, and 2., just the mere mention of the Mets kind of brings me down.  They’re never thrown a no-hitter in their history, they blew the ’06 NLCS to a crappy Cardinals team, then last year they suffered the biggest choke job in regular season baseball history.  I mean who wants to hear about this stuff?  The franchise is just too depressing.  Anyway do people think we need more “Met coverage” at the Stool?  Vote 1 for no fucking way, Vote 10 for “Lets go Mets”.

So I’m watching the Little League World Series this afternoon on NESN and guess who pops up as the sideline reporter for the game?    Yup our old friend Tina Cervasio.   Yikes!  Despite her smile in the above picture, I’m pretty sure I saw a tear rolling down her eye while she was doing her interviews.  I guess it just goes to show how fast things change in the media business.  One second you’re in front of a packed house at Fenway and the next second you’re in metal bleachers with 13 people in the crowd interviewing 12 year old kids in Bristol Ct.    And the team she was interviewing (Vermont) wasn’t even in the winner’s bracket!   Talk about adding insult to injury.   Poor Tina must really be desperate for a pay check huh?  I mean didn’t she part ways with NESN?   Why would she ever come back for this?   Come on Tina.  You’re better than this! As a side note I pictured Heidi Watney watching this telecast with a smirk on her face while sipping on a Dirty Martini at the Oak Room.

PS – Lou Merloni is everywhere!

NEW YORK (Billboard) - Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder relied on little more than his voice and guitar during the third show of his summer solo tour in New York on Monday.  His performance at the United Palace Theatre boasted 28 tracks filled with obscure PearlJam songs, covers and material from his "Into the Wild" soundtrack. Early on, Vedder showed his appreciation for the attentive (and non-shouting audience), joking, "We left all the a--holes behind in Boston," where the tour began on Friday.

Well I’m not the biggest Pearl Jam fan of all time but what a cocksucker this Eddie Vedder character is huh?   So a bunch of drunken Massholes were yelling out “Yellow Ledbetter!!  YELLOW LEDBETTER!!” every 10 seconds.  I mean what did he think was going to happen if he didn't play "Yellow Ledbetter"?  Remember, Boston fans booed Ted Williams, I don’t think some hippie from Seattle is exempt.  Plus, this is a prime example of why I won’t pay more than $5 to see an aging rock star.  I got free tickets to Springsteen on Saturday at Gillette, and granted parking was $40 and our seats were in the top row of the upper deck (stoner seats), but at least the Boss didn't call us "assholes" and all the cougars got to dance to "Rosalita".

Listen I'm not big into blogging etiquette. We take pictures from other websites and other websites take pictures from us. We try our best to give credit where credit is due. And in most cases what goes around comes around. We get credit for shit that we didn't make up (NJ Freak Shows) and other people get credit for shit that we came up with. Bottom line is that it all comes out in the wash and I could really give a fuck less. But the one thing that does piss me off is when other websites put their logo on shit that they took from us. (AKA what The Dirty did with the above photo and what they apparently do with all their photos.) Honestly, how the fuck could they put their logo on this picture? I mean it's flat out plagiarism, whatever that means. And right below the picture they clipped from us on their website was the picture of Jimmy Clausen from the Big Lead.

Like I said I have no problem with people taking our shit. We do it all the time. But I do think putting your logo on other people's stuff is a fucking joke. I guess from now on I'm just going to start cropping out their logo and putting our logo on it. That is if they ever have anything original. Problem solved.

A recap of the last few days of Patriots training camp:

*I went to the afternoon practice on Sunday. As many times as I've been, I can't shake this expectation that an NFL training camp is a non-stop, grueling, punishing, grind. That it's all coaches screaming at guys while they sweat and groan in the blistering heat such that if you set the coaches tape to a synth rock soundtrack you could make an '80s movie montage out of it. The truth is, Patriots camp looks a lot more like baseball spring training than any scene from "VisionQuest." They do work, but the emphasis is on X's and O's, and installing plays and not so much on drilling or conditioning, which I assume gets done in the gym.

*But not a second gets wasted. It's a model of efficiency. Like Archie Bunker said of Mussolini, "He was no bundle of laughs, but he made the trains run on time." That's Belichick. A clock ticks down every segment of practice and when it gets to 0:00, an airhorn sounds and everyone moves on to the next thing. And zero time is spent explaining to the team what that next part of practice or the next thing they're working on is; they just know. It's like they've practiced their practice.

*They began working on kickoffs and returns for 12 minutes. Airhorn. They moved on to QBs and receivers going through their route trees for 7 minutes. Horn. Then it was on to the far field for light sprints and warm ups for 15 minutes, which was oddly accompanied by Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen. If that was for the 80's montage effect, it didn't exactly pull it off, since the players weren't doing much more than stretching their hammys. The closest thing to any real "Junction Boys" style training camping was the lineman working on hand techinques with a heavy bag while back and receivers did agility drills sidestepping over pylons. But even that was only slightly more exerting than the old pitchers-covering-first drill.

*The most remarkable sight was watching Brady, Matt Guittierez and Kevin O'Connell working on 3-step drop throws (Matt Cassel was working with the WRs). Here's Brady, the apex of the celebrity-athlete pyramid, taking turns with a 3rd round rookie and an undrafted scrubini like he was one of them. And to be honest, there wasn't a major difference in their techniques. If anything, Brady's spiral wasn't as tight as the other two.

*The only indication you had that Brady was a bigger deal than them was that while waiting for his turn in the rotation, he impregnated three women in the crowd. It would've been more, but the fourth one was wearing a red "no contact" jersey.

Click here to read the full report...

Click Here For The Answer

SALINAS, Calif.(AP) — A pickup truck thief lost his purloined Chevy Silverado to an armed carjacker during a 7-Eleven stop. Police Cmdr. Kelly McMillin said "you couldn't make up something stranger than this."

A 33-year-old man told police he stole the pickup Saturday then, while sitting outside a convenience store, a man with a gun hopped in and ordered him to start driving.

The pickup ran out of gas and the gunman ordered him to get out and push, but the man managed to run away and call police.

Well there’s so many lessons in this short story I don’t know where to begin.  I guess #1 is “never steal a car that’s low on gas”, but #2 has to be the old Navajo expression, “what goes around comes around.”  I mean eventually if you keep stealing cars, eventually you’re going to steal one that’s already stolen, right?  I won't do the math, but the same theory explains why we have inbreds down South. Anyway, too bad the cops in this case were real cops. It would've only been fitting if they were strippers.

PS - Is "Car Jack" the movie a real movie? Needless to say, never heard of it.

The ModestoBee: Two former Turlock Christian School teachers accused of sending sexually explicit cell phone messages to a 16-year-old female student will face criminal charges, the Stanislaus County district attorney's office said Tuesday. The suspects -- Amy Northcutt, 26, and Justin Northcutt, 27 -- are married. They were arrested in early June, shortly after the school year ended. They are accused of sending messages and photos to arrange group sex with the girl.

I have to admit this story puts me in the middle of a moral conundrum. Because as strongly opposed as I am to 27 year old male teachers seducing 16 year old girls, I'm equally in favor of slamming hot 26 year old bisexual female teachers doing it. Now add in the threesome factor, which puts us in a moral gray area because lets face it, a lot of rules can be broken in the cause of pulling off a threesome... marriage vows, adutlery, statutory rape laws, so it's hard to say if Justin is really that much of a creep. But Amy? That's easy. She's a hero.

The Grades:
Looks: Amy is hotter than a black vinyl car seat in the Sahara. The stuff of Sex Scandal Teacher greatness. Grade: A.
Moral Compass/Bad Judgement: She gets big demerits here for not actually closing the deal. Text is cheap. Specifically, $5 a month unlimited. Grade: D
Intangibles: What area of Chrisitian Doctrine teaches threesomes with underage girls? Turlock CA must teach the New New Testament. Grade: A
Overall: B-. If only Amy had pulled this off, we'd be talking legend.

I was minding my own buisness yesterday doing my paper route when I noticed some fat chick wrote "Pigs" in red lipstick on one of our newsracks in South Station. How rude! So this message goes out to all the gross chicks in the world. Don't hate us because your ugly. And we'd appreciate it if you left our racks alone as well.

TAMPA, Fla.—A second Florida man has been arrested on charges of making false 911 calls in as many days. An arrest report says 47-year-old Carlos Gutierrez was at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino early Monday and called 911 to say the slot machine stole his money. The report says Gutierrez left the casino to place a second 911 call to say the same thing. He was arrested and charged with making a false 911 call.

On Sunday another man was arrested after calling 911 five times during an argument with his brother. He demanded that dispatchers send deputies to help sort things out. And in northern Florida last week, a Jacksonville man called 911 to complain that a Subway left the sauce off a spicy Italian sandwich.

First of all there’s a number for people who think the slot machines stole their money and it’s posted right above the machine: 1-800-GET-HELP.  That’s the number this guy should be calling.  But more importantly, I just invented a different number that people can call anytime they have a non-life threatening emergency. The number: 9-1-2.  That’s right, 9-1-2.  It’s easy to remember and most of all will prevent these idiots from tying up the actual emergency number of 9-1-1.  Subway forgot the sauce?  9-1-2.  Argument with your brother?  9-1-2.   Can’t find the remote?  Again, 9-1-2.   Stuff like that from now on should all go through 9-1-2.   Not bad, huh? And you thought Barstool Sports was only good for Smokeshows and mortal locks. I pretty much just saved a life.

More Blanca here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com