The Red Sox Fans Summit Meeting
First of all I want to thank everyone for coming. I’ve called together this meeting of the heads of the Five Families of Red Sox Nation in the hope that we can work out our differences and get rid of some of the bad blood that’s been taking up so much of our time and energy these last few years. I believe everyone knows one another... to my left we’ve got Crotchety Old Guy Red Sox Fan. Seated beside him is Pink Hat Girl. To my right we’ve got Cynical Media Guy and next to him is Rabid Talk Show Caller. Welcome, everyone.
Gentleman... and lady... allow me to begin. We’re in a time of unprecedented success. Two championships, a budding dynasty, first place at the All Star break. A farm system that produces great young talent like a Chinese factory turns out dangerous toys. We’ve got a ball club that’s by and large likable and stocked with clutch players who love the pressure of playing here. The manager will give you clear, logical explanations of the moves he makes night after night. The ball park is packed every game. For the first time in anyone’s life the whole world wants to be us. We’ve got two rings and the future’s so bright we gotta wear welder’s helmets. So why does it seem to me like so many of us spend so much of our time bitching like it’s the Kevin Kennedy Era all over again?
Crotchety Old Guy: “Listen to you. ‘Boo hoo... The poor Red Sox. Everyone criticizes them. Whaa whaa.’ You think these owners are doing such a great job? You can’t even go to the ball park anymore because they charge so much. Back in 1963 I could into the ball park the day of the game and see Mickey Mantle play for a buck and a half.”
Me: Yeah, that’s because the stands were empty. If it was so great how come no one ever went to the games? I’ll answer for you: because the team sucked. It was owned and operated by drunken old racists and Fenway was a toxic waste dump. I’ll admit it’s expensive now, but there hasn’t been an empty seat in the place since 2003 and they win championships. But you’re making my point for me. How could you or any one who considers himself a Red Sox fan find stuff to be unhappy about?
Cynical Media Guy: “Because this team is far from perfect. The way Papi wasn’t hitting at the beginning of the year and his injury problems should have the team worried. Clearly Beckett is not having the kind of year he had last season and Dice-K’s control problems are a concern. The bottom of the lineup with Varitek and Lugo not hitting is a major problem for this team right now.”
Me: See? This is exactly why I called this meeting. What’s the deal with this constant, relentless game of “Pin the Panic on the Slumping Sox Player”? Didn’t we go through this all of last year? Where you’d take whoever isn’t hitting and go through all these histrionics about how “he’s killing the team” and “what if he never hits again” and “how long can Tito stick with the guy”? Take Varitek for instance...
Talk Show Caller: “Yeah, take Varitek. Please! [cackles at own joke] He’s horrible! They’ve GOT to get rid of him! Get a guy in here who can hit! I know, I know ‘Oooh, but he calls a great game... the way he handles pitchers... he’s such a leader...’ But he can’t hit the ball out of his shadow any more.”
Me: Maybe. Or maybe he’s just in a slump. Either way it doesn’t matter. Because Varitek is Exhibit A for the case I’m trying to make here. Without him, we’re sitting on 90 years without a championship. And without him they wouldn’t win it this year either. They went 40 years without a no-hitter and they’ve had four with him (five if Schilling didn’t shake him off with two outs in the 9th). Those are not coincidences. The stuff you mock is 90% of his value to this team and his hitting is like Tom Brady running for a 1st down; it’s a nice bonus if he does it, but it’s not what he’s paid to do. Remember the year he got hurt? The month he was out, the team ERA was a full run higher. One full run. Cause & effect. That’s why the other players in the league put him on the All Star team. And if they did club did “get rid of him” just so they can get a couple of extra hits a week out of their No. 8 hitter, the pitching staff would revolt. They’d kidnap Theo and start mailing him back to John Henry in little pieces until Tek was brought back.
Pink Hat Girl: “Varitek is cute.”
Me: Besides, is this really what we’re all about? Is this what we aspire to be as fans of this team? Complaining, teeth-gnashing turncoats who devour our own the instant we think their skills are declining? Guys who’ve delivered? Class acts like Varitek who like it here, produced and turned this team into the model for all Major League teams? Honestly, is that us?
Crotchedy Old Man: “Varitek my ass. Buncha soft, overpaid fat cats the lot of ‘em. I used to see Russ Nixon catch for them and he...”
Me: ...sucked. They all sucked; every player, every Sox team you used to watch. This is the best Red Sox team off all time, period. You complained about those teams back then and you’re complaining about this one now. You’re like some baseball Luddite who can’t get it through your head that times have changed and this isn’t the hapless bunch of chokers you’re used to. You probably sit in front of your TV every night screaming for the bunt...
Talk Show Caller: “No, that would be me. Why don’t they bunt more? What’s wrong with Francoma [giggles at his own cleverness] that he can’t call for them to move a runner over once in a while... play Smallball...”
Me: Because the bunt sucks. Smallball sucks. It’s not 1908 fercrissakes. They’re not a bunch of 160 lb farm boys trying to hit a ball stuffed with feathers. The Sox have had the best offense in baseball over the last five years and giving up outs is idiotic. They didn’t Smallball their way to two titles, you moron. And no one else has either since John McGraw was managing.
Pink Hat Girl: “I like ‘Sweet Caroline.’”
Cynical Media Guy: “Still there are holes in this lineup and there’s cause for concern. This isn’t Murderer’s Row like the Yankees of the 20's after the Sox sold Babe R....”
Me: Stop! Don’t say another word...
Crotchedy Old Man: “Then I’ll say something. What’s with all these days off Francona gives them? These guys are making millions to play a kid’s game, why can’t they play every day? I work every day.”
Me: No you don’t. You’ve got something called “a weekend.” These guys start in mid-February and play until late October. They’re at the park for 12 hours a day and their days off they’re on a plane. I’m not saying I feel sorry for them, just that Tito gets it that if they sit out games on a regular basis during the season, they’re better suited to win in the playoffs. Last year they played their best ball at the end of the season. Take Manny...”
Cynical Media Guy: “Manny is a huge distraction to this team. His contract talk, the incident with the traveling secretary, the at-bat in New York when he didn’t take the bat off his shoulder...”
Me : I’m not going to “Manny being Manny” you. But it’s been eight years now, and we knew this is exactly what we were getting when they signed him. A guy who’ll have three or four inexplicable brainfarts a year, cause all sorts of controversy, and drive in a ton of runs. And he’s another guy without whom they wouldn’t have won a thing.
Pink Hat Girl: “I love the Red Sox. I don’t understand why you guys complain about them so much. They’re fun, I like going to the ballpark and watching them on TV and I love it when they win the World Series. Why is it so hard to just enjoy it and be happy?”
Me : OK, now I’m scared that the chick in the pink hat is the one making sense.