Random Thoughts
1. Was anybody on facebook this weekend? Every other fucking comment was from some blazing hot chick saying something to the effect of this;
“Countryfest!!!! Kenny!!!! Drinking all day….fuck the first guy who makes eye contact with me!!!!!! Best Day of year!!!!!!
What the fuck? One of my buddies who works for Corona has a tent and a shitload of tickets and asked me if I wanted to go but I was like why the fuck would I want to go to Countryfest. But after doing some research it seems like Kenny Chesney is the new Jimmy Buffett and keep in mind I love Buffett. Only instead of old people going it’s just a ton of young pussy. I first started noticing it last year, but now this year it seems out of control. Granted I despise country music and Kenny Chesney, but I feel like I’m missing out. I mean pussy is pusssy. So I guess my question is should I jump in the Astro and head to Gillette and try to hook up with some underage smokeshows? Is there as much tail as it seems? Keep in mind the First Lady is away this weekend. I was just going to bet TVG and baseball all day but Countryfest sounds better even if it is 103 degrees outside today.
2. In one of the great mysteries of our generation I just caught wind of this Reggie Miller sexting story which has apparently been going on all week, but I just found out about. I kind of feel like I failed the Stoolies big time with this one. Oh well I guess I can’t be fucking awesome all the time. Anyway long story short Reggie Miller met this chick Ali Kay at a Malibu Supermarket and flirted with her. They exchanged over 60 texts including her sending Reggie pictures of her in bed and in a bikini. Meanwhile it turns out this chick is a pseudo famous socialite who is engaged to Alex von Furstenberg who is like a bizillionaire or something. So this dude hired a plane to fly over Malibu for four straight days with a sign that said “Reggie Miller Stop Pursuing Married Women!”.
I wasn’t going to chime in on this because I was so late to the party but I just had to. Listen I don’t blame Reggie Miller at all. If I were him I’d fuck this broad which he obviously did and every other broad who looked at me at Star Market. It’s not his job to make sure bitches aren’t married. And to be honest I’m not even mad at the chick. She sees Reggie Miller and is thinking when will I have another chance to get demolished by a 9 foot cock again so she bangs him. But the guy who deserves to have his dick kicked in is the guy who hired the fucking plane. Dude are you sure you’re a bizillionaire? Because if I catch the First Lady sexting some dude she met at the supermarket it’s fucking over no questions asked. And keep in mind I’m an ugly dude who can’t rub two nickels together never mind being a bizillionare. Seriously if you’re this rich, your finance should be walking around with her lips permanently attached to your cock. The second she even thinks about looking at another dude you dump her ass and move onto the next bitch. That’s the whole point of being a bizillionaie. Not to fly little planes around in the sky. It’s to have hot slave chicks bow to your every demand and treat you like a king. Anything less and you behead them. So how this guy hasn’t dumped his fiancé yet after she got all stretched out by Reggie Miller is literally beyond me. Dude you’re a fucking bizillioinare. Start acting like it you pussy.
3. GAHANNA, Ohio - An Ohio police officer claims he endured “a humiliating and intolerable working environment” after his wife appeared nude for Playboy early last year. Ron Fithen filed a lawsuit last week in Franklin County court. He is seeking $3.5 million in damages from the Columbus suburb of Gahanna, its police department and two police officials. His attorney, John Sherrod, says Fithen was harassed on the job and was asked repeatedly for copies of the magazine and for the autograph of his wife, Beth.
This guy has some serious balls huh? Listen if you’re going to file a 3.5 million dollar lawsuit claiming that your getting harassed on the job because your slut wife appeared in Playboy at least come up with a real complaint. Like tell me the other officers are ripping her page out from playboy, cumming all over it and then sticking it in your turkey sandwich or something. Then maybe I’ll listen. But how the fuck is asking for signed copies of it harassment? Seriously give me a break. You don’t want dudes beating off to your wife and asking for autographs? Tell her to keep her twat to herself. Case closed.
4. ESPN - Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo, who last month admitted to using a now-banned supplement earlier in his career, says he uses a number of over-the-counter supplements not on Major League Baseball’s approved list, according to a USA Today report. “I have a lot of guys in [the locker room] who think I’m out of [my] mind because I’m taking a lot of things not on the [MLB-approved] list,” Arroyo said, according to the report. “I take 10 to 12 different things a day, and on the days I pitch, there’s four more things. There’s a caffeine drink I take from a company that [ex-Boston Red Sox teammate] Curt Schilling introduced me to in ‘05. I take some Korean ginseng and a few other proteins out there that are not certified. But I haven’t failed any tests, so I figured I’m good.”I can see where guys like Hank Aaron and some of the old-timers have a beef with it. But as far as looking at Manny Ramirez like he’s [serial killer] Ted Bundy, you’re out of your mind. At the end of the day, you think anybody really [cares] whether Manny Ramirez’s kidneys fail and he dies at 50? “I do what I want to do and say what I want to say,” Arroyo said, according to the report. “But society has made this such a tainted thing. The mediahas made it where people look at it in such a super-negative light. I’ve always been honest. I’m not going to stop now.” “Man, I didn’t think twice about it,” he said, according to the report. “I took androstenedione the same way I took my multivitamins. I didn’t really know if this was a genius move by Mark McGwire to cover up the real [stuff] he was taking, but it made me feel unbelievable. I felt like a monster.” Arroyo said he started taking amphetamines in 1998 when he was in the minors — and he’d still be taking them if they were not banned. “That stuff’s like bubblegum compared to steroids,” he said, according to the report. “You’re playing [night games] in L.A., you fly across the country, and you’re pitching a day game at Wrigley [Field in Chicago]. You telling me you don’t want something to wake you up? You have half this country, maybe more, that can’t function without a cup of coffee.” Arroyo, according to the report, also said the game’s owners care about winning and making money — and not necessarily in that order. “If Mark McGwire is hitting 60 homers, the only thing that matters is his performance,” Arroyo said, according to USA Today. “People don’t own teams to lose money. If you ask any owner whether they would rather make $20 million and come in last place or lose $20 million and win a World Series, there’s only one guy who honestly would take that championship: George Steinbrenner. Nobody else.”
Afuckingmen! This is like the most refreshing article I’ve ever read in my life not only on steroids, but on anything. Seriously no wonder the chicks at Northeastern got in fist fights lining up to suck his dick when he played for the Sox. I almost want to blow him after reading this. If more guys would stand up and be a man like this, then the whole steroid thing would blow over in 2 seconds because the media would have nothing left to write about. But instead you got cowards like David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, and Alex Rodriguez all making excuses acting like they got accused of murder and playing right into Shank’s hands. Also, I love how Arroyo sneaky took shots at Curt Schilling and the Sox ownership. Good for fucking him. He just moved up to my 2nd favorite non Red Sox player behind Nomar. Just awesome.
5. ESPN - Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth has been suspended without pay for the 2009 season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy and its substance abuse policy, the league said Thursday. In a letter to Stallworth made public Thursday, commissioner Roger Goodell said, “I believe that further consequences are necessary” in addition to the punishment handed downby the legal system.”There is no question that your actions had tragic consequences to an innocent man and his family, and that you have violated both the Substances of Abuse and Personal Conduct Policies,” Goodell said. “In that respect, you are clearly guilty of conduct detrimental to the integrity of and public confidence in the NFL.” “Your conduct endangered yourself and others, leading to the death of an innocent man. The NFL and NFL players must live with the stain that you have placed on their reputations,” Goodell said.
Do you think that Roger Goodell has a picture of Napolean hanging in his office or at the very least Mussilini? Because those are clearly his role models. I mean what planet does this guy live on? As I first said when the NFL indefinitly suspended Stallworth I totally and completely disagree with this ruling. Listen obviously what happened is a tragedy. But Dante Stallworth has handled this situation as well as it can be handled from the second ithappened. He has accepted responsibility every step of the way starting will pulling over instantly, calling 911, taking the breathalyzer etc. He has no previous record of any problems. And more importantly than that the family of the person he killed is satisfied with the 30 day sentence and whatever monetary settlement they got. They publicly said they just want to try and pick up the pieces and put this behind them.
Unfortunately it appears Roger Goodell has decided to put his own interests ahead of the victims family as this will now be headline news for the foreseeable future. Listen I understand that it is Goodell’s responsibility to maintain the integrity of the NFL. You can’t have murderers running around eveywhere, but this isn’t Pac Man Jones or Ray Caruth we’re talking about here. It wasn’t premeditated like Michael Vick or some repeat offender. I don’t want to say this could have happened to anybody but it sort of could have. So I’m just not sure how making an example out of Dante Stallworth helps anybody. I mean do you really have to send a message about the dangers of drinking and driving when somebody got killed? Because if that message hasn’t already been received loud and clear by everybody in the league already then I don’t think a year suspension is going to do the trick. Like if you let him play guys would be thinking hey the NFL condones killing people. Bottom line is that nobody thinks Dante Stallworth is a bad guy. He made a horrible decision that has cost himself and others dearly. There is nothing he can do that will ever take back what happened and I’m sure it will haunt him the rest of his life. The courts and the victims family already agreed on a sentence that they felt was adequate and fair. I just don’t see why the NFL feels they need to drag this out and cause any more suffering than what everybody involved is already going through and that includes Dante Stallworth. I also believe if he sued the league he’d win in a heart beat.
PS - And yes I honestly believe that if god for bid something happened to a loved one of mine in a similar situation and I thought the driver was a good person who made a horrible mistake and wasn’t some repeat DUI offender, I don’t think I’d want them to rot in jail. What’s the point? That’s not going to bring back the victim. Obviously this is easy to say when it’s never happened and hopefully I never am faced with that choice, but speaking with a clear mind that’s how I feel.
6. Newstimes - A Greenwich man apparently felt guilty about practicing personal hygiene in a neighbor’s home after he had broken into it, police said. Manuel Gonzalez, 18, of 47 Locust St., broke into a Locust Street home Wednesday while the owner was away, cut his pubic hair and left the trimmings, police said. Remorseful about his actions, the man later confessed to the woman, who then called police. Police charged Gonzalez Thursday night with first-degree burglary. He was released on a $2,000 surety bond and is scheduled to appear in state Superior Court in Stamford Aug. 14.
Ah the timeless art of seduction. Or in this case the timeless art of breaking into your neighbor’s house, shaving your pubes and leaving them on the kitchen table as a present. Listen we’ve all been there. I mean who hasn’t had a crush on a girl and handed her a ziplock bag of pubic hair before? It’s like an adult version of sticking gum in her hair. It just lets them know you’re interested. Now the breaking and entering is an interesting twist. Not personally how I’d recommend to do it, but if you are going to go this route, never admit to it. Although then how would the chick know it’s your pubic hair? Hmm tough one. I guess that’s why you got to play it straight and just leave the bag on her front door step with a name tag on it.
7. LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino told police he had sex in a restaurant six years ago with a woman now accused of trying to extort millions of dollars from him. And when she told him two weeks later she was pregnant, he gave her $3,000 for an abortion.
See, its shit like this that makes Pitino the Godfather of college basketball. Dude gets bitches knocked up in restaurant bathrooms and then he’s looking for the nearest coat hanger or flight of stairs. No wonder all the convicts sign wherever he goes – he’s just like them. You think when Coach K meets with some of these kids he can tell them the story of the time he was getting extorted by a Bathroom Booty Call slut he knocked up? Not a fucking chance. Meanwhile, Lousiville’s letter of intent probably includes a clause offering to pay for all abortions, lap dances and crack rocks.
Somewhere, Jon Calipari is trying to get accused of statutory rape in another futile attempt to one-up his Master.
8. BURLINGTON, V.T. - Investigators with the Vermont State Police were advised of a possible abuse complaint where a video was turned into authorities depicting later identified as Jonathan Fuller, 22, providing a lighted glass pipe to the mouth of a two-year old child. In the video, the child is seen inhaling from the pipe and smoke is seen emitting from the pipe. The child is observed coughing for approximately 30 seconds while Fuller appears to be smiling and laughing. During the investigation, witnesses were located and said that the pipe was packed with marijuana. During an interview today, Fuller admitted to police that the pipe was packed with marijuana and that he held it up to the two-year old’s mouth.
See this is the problem with America today. Nobody wants to take responsibility for their actions. Listen it’s not like this dude held a gun to this kid’s head and made him take a hit. I mean I’ve been in plenty of situations where I’ve turned down pot by a simple no thanks. Bottom line is that if this 2 year old didn’t want to smoke he shouldn’t have taken a puff. But don’t get mad at the guy who offered it to him. That’s basic weed etiquette. It would have been rude not to ask. Plus let’s not forget this is Vermont we’re talking about. I mean if you’re not smoking dope by 6 months old you’re a fucking loser.
9. UK - A paramedic who allegedly had oral sex in a hospital car park while on duty today insisted he was only trying to comfort a sobbing woman. Married David Brammer was caught on CCTV with a woman’s head in his lap as he sat in the passenger seat of a car parked at Rotherham District General Hospital in June last year… Ainsley Dale, a security officer at the hospital, said he believed he saw a woman in the driver’s seat of the car give Mr Brammer, who was wearing his uniform, oral sex before quickly returning to the ambulance station… “I saw the female passenger lean over to the man and it looked like she gave a performance of oral sex,” he said. “I’m just saying that’s what it looked like on the camera.” The incident was caught on a 14-minute video, which was played to the hearing behind closed doors to save Mr Brammer’s “embarrassment”. Mr Dale added: “In the footage, her head does go to his lap. Her head does appear to go up and down… From the footage I assumed she was giving him a blow job, but from the angle of the camera I couldn’t prove that but that’s what it looked like to me.”
I’ve been paying close attention to the raging debate over Obama’s national health insurance plan. And up until now I’ve been dead against it. I know a lot of government workers and they’re no more qualified to make my life and death medical decisions than they are deciding my speeding ticket appeal or handling my mail. It seems to me the American system, flawed though it may be, is still better than anything another country has. At least I did think that before I read this. Any system where EMTs provide comfort to sobbing women and get paid in BJs is enlightened and progressive and is long overdue in the US. Imagine if you will an America where medical professionals provide care and get head in return? That not only drives down the cost for us all, it will attract the best and brightest young people into a noble calling. “Mr. Thornton, I’m Jennifer, the EMT who gave you CPR and saved your life. So I’ll be taking that oral gratification any time you’re ready…” That’s change we can all believe in.
10. ORLANDO, Fla. – A 60-year-old man was found guilty on Tuesday of groping a woman while she was in costume as Minnie Mouse at Walt Disney World. John Moyer, who is a grandfather, was sentenced to two days in jail, which he has already served, 180 days of probation and 50 hours of community service. Moyer was charged with misdemeanor battery in June after being accused of touching the woman’s chest and buttocks in the Toontown area of the Magic Kingdom. Prosecutors said during the trial that photographs show the Disney cast member pushing Moyer’s hands away from her after he touched her. “It doesn’t matter she was grabbed. She’s just a mouse,” prosecutor David Bear said, arguing against the defense. “It’s not just a mouse. It’s a person.” The woman playing Minnie Mouse said she did not yell for help because she feared that she could lose her job for being out of character. She did report the incident after Moyer left the area, according to investigators. Sheriff’s deputies tracked Moyer down by using photographs and arrested him. In court, prosecutors said Disney characters are no different than servers at restaurants. “It’s not OK to go to the diner and pinch a waitress’ butt anymore, and it’s not OK to go to a theme park and pinch a character’s butt,” Bear said.
Minnie Mouse is such a slut. Listen don’t run around Toontown acting so fucking friendly with that big ass smile wearing that little sun dress and not expect to get groped a little bit. I mean it’s fucking Toontown for God Sakes! Seriously this bitch knew exactly what she was doing. That’s why she didn’t scream or report it right away. She was basically begging to have her mouse ass groped. But then Mickey finds out about it and next thing you know she’s screaming bloody murder. What a cunt.
11. DAVIE — It takes 53 men to fill the roster of the Miami Dolphins - and one finger to send them crumbling down. That’s according to the Dolphins, who this summer began telling fans not to use Twitter, blogs or video cameras to tell the world what the team is up to… The club says most fans comply, a few have needed a tap on the shoulder and an explanation, and nobody has complained. Why are the Fish doing this? The answer is so easy, it wouldn’t even come close to filling Twitter’s limit of 140 characters, even minus the shorthand. Competitive reasons. Bill Belichick is more like it, fans say. Several fans attending Saturday’s scrimmage not only applauded the policy, they cited the Patriots coach and the infamous Spygate saga as proof that teams will take extreme measures to gain an edge. In this era of social networking, even the fans see football season as a time to be antisocial. “You know what started that? When New England was getting away with that,” said Avery Falmer, 53, of Miami. “That blew up the whole thing.”… “I don’t divulge what I’ve seen,” Rosmarin said. “I’ll say who I think looks good, but I think it’s a good policy to protect any kind of plays they’re running since we all know what Bill Belichick did with the Patriots up there.”
How priceless is this? For all their bluster about winning the division last year, for all their chest thumping about still having the only undefeated team and all the bragging they’re still doing about that goddamned 38-13 win last September when they caught the Pats unawares with the Wildcat, the entire city of Miami is still terrified of Bill Belichick. When Dolphin fans have bad dreams, they’re running from Belichick as their feet get caught in mud and they can’t scream. Tony Sparano must wake up sweating in the middle of the night screaming about how Belichick dismantled the Wildcat the second time they met. If Gozer was trying to destroy Miami with Bill Parcells’ worst nightmare, a giant marshmallow man in a gray hooded sweatshirt would show up and flatten the city.
The funniest thing about it is they’ve got all this fear and angst over just the implied threat of Belichick. They’ve got no actionable intel he’s actually getting any information from Dolphins camp. But he’s such a boogeyman to them, the very idea that he might has them petrified. It’s like when Reagan said he wanted a missle defense system, which didn’t even exist. But the Soviets were so terrified by the idea of it, they started taking apart their nukes, opening McDonalds in the middle of Red Square and sending us all their hot slutty daughters. This is the dictionary definition of being in someone’s head.
Not that the fear is mutual. Hey Miami: The first time you play the Pats, they’ll run that staple play where Brady fakes a handoff to the Running Back, fakes a reverse to the Wide Receiver, then hits Moss deep down the middle. And you still won’t be able to defend it. Twitter that.
12. Floridatoday - Janet Schulte believed the man when he told her by phone that his 40-something, disabled brother needed a caregiver who could bottle-feed him and change his diapers. What the Melbourne woman can’t believe is that he committed no crime, now that she said she has found out the situation was a charade: that the man and his brother were same person. And that he didn’t have the disabilities he claimed to have. FLORIDA TODAY is not identifying him because he is not being charged. “I consented to change his diapers, but I legitimately thought this man needed help,” she said. “How can that not be a crime for him to come into my house and expose himself?” The deception began, Schulte said, when she placed an ad online on Craigslist.org offering child care services. She said a man called and asked Schulte if she knew any special-needs caregivers. And, she said, his story went on. The man told Schulte that a car accident left his brother with physical disabilities, including weak arms, poor bladder control and the mental capacity of a 5-year-old. He told her how an aunt and current caregiver had no patience. He offered Schulte $600 a week to look after his brother.
Ok I’m going to ask the million dollar question here. Did this guy get hard whenever this chick changed his diapers? If he did than he deserves a Pulitzer or something because this is flat out brilliant. But if he just sat there limp dicked like some 5 year old pussy then what’s the point? So I guess what I’m saying is the devil is in the details. I need more information before I can pass judgment because just like with baseball, faking to be a 5 year old to get your dick touched is a game of inches.
13. BBC - The England team has withdrawn from the World Badminton Championships in India because of “a specific terrorist threat” made by extremists. The eight-strong squad pulled out of the tournament, which starts on Monday in Hyderabad, after reports of threats by Muslim extremists Lashkar-e-Taiba. Badminton England said it was “an incredibly tough decision”. Badminton Scotland said its players will stay, and Welsh Badminton have three players at the tournament. The England squad arrived home on Sunday night ahead of a news conference by players and officials at the National Badminton Centre in Milton Keynes on Monday. Anne Smillie, chief executive of Badminton Scotland, said that Badminton England had “perhaps overreacted”… Badminton England chief executive Adrian Christy said: “After the Olympic Games, this is the most prestigious championships in the world but we were not prepared to risk the safety of our players, coaches and staff in what we felt could have been a very volatile environment.” He said the team, which included Olympic silver medallist Nathan Robertson, had “carefully considered” information from local police authorities.
Dammit, when we going to stop mixing Badminton and politics? Badminton is meant to bring people together, not tear us apart. Whether it’s at camp, in your uncle’s backyard at the family reunion, the Olympics or the World Championships, Badminton was invented to unite us in a common bond of unathletic, skill-free competition. In God’s eyes we’re all the same when we’ve got a raquet in our hands. No matter if you’re from the West or East. If you’re Muslim, Christian, Hindu or Jew. Whether you’re serving or playing in the front line, Badminton makes us all equal in our shared humanity. Only the net should divide us. And when the world misses out on the chance to see Olympic silver medallist Nathan Robertson, we all suffer. To steal a line from Robert Kraft “Today, we are all Team England Badminton.”
14. LEOMINSTER — A city teenager is facing multiple charges after he allegedly bit another teen’s penis during a fight, according to Leominster District Court records. The incident allegedly occurred in the area of State Street, according to a report by Officer Sean Ferguson. The 18-year-old victim was walking down the street when he noticed Gonzalez, who he had been in arguments with in the past. Gonzalez allegedly ran up to the victim and swung at his face, but missed, according to Ferguson’s report. The two teens went to the ground fighting, and the victim started punching Gonzalez in the face in order to get away. Gonzalez allegedly bit down on the teen’s penis through his clothing during the course of the fight, according to Ferguson’s report. “(The victim) was in fear (Gonzalez) was going to bite his penis off and he was going to die,” Ferguson wrote in the report. The victim grabbed Gonzalez by the throat and strangled him until he released his bite. Doctors informed the victim that he may be permanently scarred from the injury, according to Ferguson’s report.
First of all this story makes no sense. You don’t punch somebody in the face to get away from them. You punch somebody in the face to beat them up, but that’s neither here nor there. More importantly this story brings up the age old question of whether biting another man’s penis during a brawl should be legal? For me and Brian Daubach the answer is obviously yes. (That is what Daubach did in Tampa Bay right?) I’m just a firm believe that anything goes in a fight except for weapons. I’m talking eye gouging, penis biting, tit ripping etc. All legal moves in my opinion. I mean a street fight isn’t supposed to have honor in it. It’s supposed to be dirty. This isn’t boxing we’re talking about. Bottom-line is don’t get in the mix if you don’t want a dude chomping down on your dick. That’s what I always say at least but I’m curious what the Stoolies think. Would you bite a dick to win a street fight?
15. FRAMINGHAM — Not everyone is cheering about the makeshift miniature Fenway Park tucked into a quiet Northside neighborhood. Ryan O’Connor is afraid his labor of love, a Wiffle ballpark erected as a tribute to the Boston landmark, is about to lose some luster. His mother, Toni O’Connor, has received notice from the town to take down signs that adorn the field, including a 3-foot-by-4-foot Mobil sign that stands 8 feet in the air in left center, mimicking Kenmore Square’s famed Citgo sign. O’Connor and some friends transformed his mother’s 26 Knight Road side yard into a neighborhood Wiffle ball mecca. They leveled the outfield, built a mini Green Monster out of pressure-treated plywood, knocked down a tree branch that snagged too many flyballs and mounted halogen work lights onto an 8-foot pole so they can play after dusk. The town has told the O’Connors they are in violation of the sign bylaw, and the numerous business signs in a residential zone don’t fly. If nearly all the signs ringing the lyric and even littler bandbox don’t come down by Tuesday, the town said, the family will face fines. The O’Connors are pretty sure the letter came as a result of a neighbor’s complaint. “The town is not opposed to any of the youth in the community trying to improve their lifestyle or their yard for that matter,” Building Commissioner Michael Foley said yesterday. “The use of commercialized signs in a residential neighborhood is what we’re concerned about.” 18-year-old is a recent high school graduate who wants to continue his education in Vermont for a year before playing baseball in some form down South.
Now before I get into this let me just say that I don’t think this is at cut and dry as you may think. Because if I finally scrap enough money together to move out of Dorchester and buy a house in the burbs and my next door neighbor suddenly erects a Citgo sign in my dick, I may freak out a little bit too. But having said that this seems pretty fucking ridiculous. The Mobile Sign is clearly blocked by the trees and everything else is fenced in. So as long as these kids aren’t playing at like 2am every day the city of Framingham can go fuck themselves. I mean did they really play the commercialized signs card? Really? How do you even say that with a straight face? Just tell the truth. You’d rather these kids get shitfaced in the woods than deal with the pain in the ass phone calls from neighbors. At least I could respect that rationale instead of this commercialized signs bullshit.
PS - What does this kid mean he wants to continue his education in Vermont before playing baseball down South in some form? Kid I’m on your side but don’t push your luck here with the ridiculous comments.
16.MARTIN COUNTY - Martin County Sheriff’s detectives didn’t buy it when a 48-year-old Jensen Beach man claimed that his cat was downloading child pornography on his computer. Keith R. Griffin, of the 3600 block of Northeast Jeannette Drive, was charged Wednesday with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 child pornographic images on his computer, according to a news release. Griffin told detectives he would leave his computer on and his cat would jump on the keyboard. When he returned, there would be strange material downloaded, the release states.
Listen I’m not going to sit here and speculate whether the cat did or didn’t download the child porn. But did the cops even bother to interview the feline? I don’t think they did right? What kind of half assed police work is that? I mean everybody knows cats are sneaky motherfuckers. I totally wouldn’t put it past this little bitch to be jerking off to porn and then blaming it on the owner . Not to mention the fact how did the cops find out about the images on the computer in the first place? Let me guess. An anonymous tip. Seriously do the math. At the very least this has mistrial written all over it.
17. Well it’s official. David Ortiz has lost all credibility in my book. Listen I have no idea what he used or didn’t use and to be honest I don’t really care. But the way he has handled this whole situation has sucked. I mean did he really wait 9 days to say this? Are you shitting me? The only possible explanation as to why it took so long is because he didn’t know what he specifically tested positive for and didn’t want to admit to anything that he didn’t get busted for yet. In other words he was just doing damage control instead of coming totally clean. Because the accusations shouldn’t have mattered. Getting information from the Union shouldn’t have mattered. If he truly wanted to be honest all he had to do is sit down and say the following;
I never injected steroids into my ass. But I did take Creatine, Andro, and X, Y, Z. So if any of these are on the drug list then I’m sure I failed. End of story.”
And he should have said it right away. But instead of stepping up and being a man he took the cowards way out with this whole “I was careless, I don’t know what I put in my body, companies sent me stuff in the mail” routine. In other words the Arod defense. Give me a break. Who the fuck takes pills without knowing what they are first? Even druggies know what they’re taking first. So there is no way a professional athlete like David Ortiz doesn’t know exactly what he took. Like I said just tell the truth and it goes away. But this tired act doesn’t work anymore and unfortunately for me it tarnishes his reputation. Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t take away from the World Series victories because I already knew he was juicing, but it just shatters his credibility which sucks.
18. KATU- SILVERTON, Ore. – After hours of debate Monday night, the Silverton City Council decided to censure its transgender mayor.Mayor Stu Rasmussen admits he wore an open-back bathing suit, mini skirt and high heels when he went to speak before a group of kids for a Silverton-based non-profit group.A member of that organization was not happy with the attire and filed a complaint with the city.The City Council found the public complaint to be founded and publicly reprimanded the mayor by censuring him, which basically means they officially disapproved of his outfit.
I don’t get it. Was this a blind election? My guess is no and if that’s the case then what the fuck is everyone complaining about? You elect a dude who likes to dress in women’s clothing and then get mad at him for dressing in women’s clothing? Allow me to suggest that you should have seen this coming. Fucking people in Silverton. Get a grip. And so what if the guy wants to throw on a nice silk dress and hanky pankys and a redheaded wig. I didn’t hear anyone say he’s not getting the job done! Ok so maybe talking to a children’s group in a bikini and high heels was a little extreme but cut the guy a break. Dude’s just tryin to live. My only suggestion and we’re splitting hairs here is if you’re gonna do it then step up your fashion game because frankly that dress is hideous.
19. Delawareonline - A federal judge today cleared the way for Delaware to start sports betting — on schedule — in September.Chief District Judge Gregory M. Sleet denied an emergency request from the professional sports leagues and NCAA to stop the state from launching sports books at the state’s three racinos while a lawsuit challenging their legality moves forward to a December trial. Kenneth J. Nachbar, the attorney representing the four major sports leagues and the National Collegiate Athletic Association, said they were disappointed with the ruling and will be considering their legal options. At the public portion of today’s scheduling meeting with attorneys, Sleet said the sports leagues had to prove one of three things for him to act, and they failed at all three. First, Sleet said the leagues did not show they were likely to prevail at trial. He later added that it was also not clear at this point if Delaware would prevail at trial. Second, Sleet said the leagues failed to show there would be irreparable harm to professional and college sports if action was not taken now. Sleet said the sports leagues position was “ironic” given that — as attorneys for Delaware noted — a number of sports teams now have sponsorship deals with casinos and several owners of sports teams also own gambling establishments. Third, Sleet said the sports teams failed to show the defendant would not be irreparably harmed by the injunction. The judge said there was at least a potential harm to Delaware — and the public in general — in that Delaware is counting on millions in revenue from sports betting to balance its budget.
I despise hypocrisy. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves in life. And this is the height of hypocrisy. Because make no mistake about it. Professional Sports leagues and the NCAA love sports gambling. They love it! And why shouldn’t they? It is the single most important factor in the success of American sports today especially the NFL. Anybody who thinks otherwise just has their head in the sand. So why are they acting so righteous here and fighting this law? There has to be something we don’t know. AKA - They think this will hurt their bottom-line or they have a deal with Vegas or something. But they’re certainly not against it on moral grounds I can tell you that much. In fact if the Government said they were outlawing all sports gambling in the country and aggressively cracking down on bookies the leagues would be the first ones to fight this tooth and nail. So if they want to block sports gambling in Delaware that’s cool, but just don’t act like the integrity of the game is the reason why. Just like with everything else it’s all about money even though I can’t figure out how yet.
20. SEOUL, South Korea—A South Korean hypnotist has been fined for stealing a kiss on a blind date with a woman he thought he had successfully put in a trance, news reports said Thursday. The 32-year-old man suggested hypnotizing his 27-year-old date during their first meeting arranged by a matchmaking agency in August last year, according to the Dong-a Ilbo newspaper and Yonhap news agency. The woman was eventually persuaded, and the hypnotist chanted: “Black hole! You will plunge deeper into a trance. You will feel thrilled all over your body and if my hand touches your body, you will feel intense pleasure.” When the man, identified only by his surname, Park, thought his technique had worked, he went to kiss her. But the woman was fully alert, though her eyes were closed, and she pushed him away. Later, she filed accusations that he had sexually harassed her, the reports said. The Seoul Central District Court fined Park 3 million won ($2,453), they said
Park got fined 3 million won for this move? That’s a lot of fucking won. Imagine if they did that here? Poor Frank Santos would be broke as hell. I mean what’s the over under on how many times he’s tried this move? Like a million? Regardless let this be a lesson to all the kids out there. Stick with the date rape drug and drop the JV hypnotism bullshit. That’s how you end up getting in trouble.
PS - Next time I try to make out with a random chick, I’m totally yelling “Black hole, Black hole, Black hole” as I go in.
21. PORTSMOUTH — Jaimil Choudhry was arrested for driving while intoxicated after taking field sobriety tests, which should not have been administered to him because he is obese, said Hampton attorney Andrew Cotrupi. Police allege Choudhry, who is 5 foot 10 inches tall and 230 pounds, was driving a 1997 Honda on Commerce Way while impaired by his consumption of alcoholic beverages. Choudhry refused to submit to a Breathalyzer test and was arrested because of his performance during field sobriety tests, which police characterized as “failing,” Cotrupi said. But, some of the tests, including one requiring people to step toe-to-toe, then turn, should not be given to obese people and city police officers are trained to know that, he said. “There are other tests that you give overweight people,” Cotrupi said. “They’re giving tests that they’re trained not to give to overweight people. Everyone gets a cookie cutter approach.” And don’t call his client “fat,” he said. “No one likes to be called that,” Cotrupi said. “The medical term for someone 50 pounds or more overweight is obese.” Police prosecutor Lt. Corey MacDonald said he wasn’t familiar with specifics of the case, but confirmed that city police officers are trained to consider weight when administering roadside sobriety tests.Basing a defense on someone’s height and weight is “a bit of a stretch,” he said.”Plenty of people who are 5-feet-10 and weigh 230 pounds are in phenomenal shape,” MacDonald said.
Oh boo hoo somebody called the obese guy fat. Seriously this lawyer has some fucking balls huh? Dude you’re the one using the “obese defense” to try and throw out a field sobriety test! So spare me the sob story when people start calling your client a fat lard. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Or maybe in this guy’s case he can. (Badaboom) And what’s up with the cop? There are plenty of 5″10 230 pound people who are in phenomenal shape? Really? Show me one. Honestly just cut your losses and admit you shouldn’t have given the fat kid the test.
22. BOSTON — A 118-foot tall ship grounded on rocks off Cape Cod, but the Coast Guard said no one was hurt, including nine teen girls on board. The ship Unicorn called the Coast Guard for help at about 10:30 a.m. Wednesday after hitting the rocks near Nonamesset Island, off Falmouth. According to the Unicorn’s Web site, the ship has an all-female crew and offers a sailing program for girls. A schedule indicated the ship was headed from Boston to Newport between Aug. 2-7.
God damn it! When will chicks get it? You can’t fucking drive! It doesn’t matter whether it’s on land, sea or air. You want to travel? Be a stewardess. If not get back in the kitchen and stop clogging up the Cape Cods waterways. Fuckin bitches.
23. AZCentral - A former assistant principal at a Tempe school has been moonlighting as an escort, two sources have told 12 News. Annette Gray O’Leary, who served as an assistant principal at Kyrene Del Cielo Elementary School until June, is also believed to be Taya Taylor, an escort who advertises her services on her website, according to 12 News’ sources. Taya Taylor’s website advertises $450 per hour for a “girlfriend experience.” According to court documents, O’Leary is the ex-wife of former Boston Red Sox left fielder Troy O’Leary. The couple has two children, one with special needs. Last year, Annette O’Leary went to court to request additional child support.
I made a deal with God many, many moons ago never to criticize Troy O’leary after he hit like 9 grandslams against the Indians in that game where Pedro came in from the pen and no hit the Tribe and sent us to the ALCS. So I’m not sure what I’m allowed to say here without getting struck down from the heavens. Sure Troy probably hates this bitch now, but I can’t risk it. Especially since I’m going to Saratoga Friday for my bachelor party and don’t want to have God on my bad side for that. So I’ll just leave it at this. If Taya Taylor is in the Saratoga Springs area this weekend give me call because I’ll gladly pay $450 for the “girlfriend experience”. That’s a compliment right?
PS - This elementary school can cut the shit with this holier than though attitude. Who cares if the assistant principal is an escort. Kids that age wouldn’t know what that means if she was riding dick right in the middle of their four square game.
Double PS - A reader brought up a good point. Is the “girlfriend experience” really what you want to name your gold star escort package. I mean what message does that send? That your lucky if she touches your junk? Seriously this chick needs a lesson in marketing. How about the “dirty whore mistress” package? That sounds much better.
24. Telegraph - Amy Wolfe, a US church organist who claims to have objectum sexuality, a condition that makes sufferers attracted to inanimate objects, plans to marry a magic carpet fairground ride. This follows a “courtship” of 3,000 rides over ten years with the 80ft gondola ride called 1001 Nachts. Miss Wolfe, 33, from Pennsylvania, will change her surname to Weber after the manufacturer of the ride she travels 160 miles to visit 10 times per year, according to reports “I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever,” she said. Miss Wolfe first fell for the ride when she was 13: “I was instantly attracted to him sexually and mentally. Ten years later, she decided to go back to Knoebels Amusement Park to declare her love. She now sleeps with a picture of the ride on her ceiling and carries its spare nuts and bolts around to feel closer to it. She claims to believe they share a fulfilling physical and spiritual relationship and does not get jealous when other people ride it.
Bulllllshittttt…………..Bulllllshiiitttt……………Bullshitt………………Seriously who is this church organist trying to fool here? Listen honey I don’t care if you want to marry a roller coaster. But don’t sit here and tell me you don’t get jealous when other people ride it. What do you think I am stupid? Nobody likes to watch their significant other fuck other people. So just admit it. Your husband is a slut.
25. NYMag - When the cast of Saved by the Bell reunited for the cover of the current issue of People magazine, Zack Morris and the rest of his Bayside besties cruelly decided to freeze Dennis “Mr. Belding” Haskins and Dustin “Screech” Diamond out of the proceedings. And lest you think their invites were simply lost by the mail, Haskins put in a call to the Detroit News to voice his displeasure at being left out of the hottest reunion since New Kids on the Block, a reunion that he kick-started by being the first SBTB cast member to appear on the Late Night With Jimmy Fallon show. “I earned the right to be there. If anybody deserved to be on that cover, it was Dennis Haskins,” he explained. “I want people to know it was not my choice not to be there, because I would have been there. It hurts my feelings, but I’ll live.” But while Haskins is left with a case of hurt feelings, things aren’t exactly going swimmingly for Dustin Diamond, either.
What the fuck? How the hell did People Magazine snub Mr. Belding like this? Guy is the #2 most important part of the reunion behind only Kelly Kapowski. Okay maybe the #5 most important part of the reunion behind all the chicks and Screech. But nobody gives a shit about Zack and Slater. Those two boring fucks don’t put asses in the seats. Belding does. And our Mardi Gras party proves it. So let me state this loud and clear. From this point forward I will not acknowledge Saved By the Bell ever again until Belding and Screech are included in the festivities. I don’t want to make idle threats here, but I may have to put in a phone call.
26. MSNBC - Students praise the strong academics, the competitive athletic teams, the lively social scene and the premium location that all combine to create a remarkable all-around college experience at Boston College. One undergrad sums it up like this: “BC’s strength is a mix of everything. It may not be an Ivy League school in academics or win national championships everywhere in NCAA athletics, but it is a ‘jack of all trades’ when it comes to academics, athletics, art and social activity.” On campus, BC has “great sports. The ice hockey team is consistently ranked high nationally,” and students turn out to support their Eagles in both men’s and women’s athletics. But undergrads also love to explore Boston, a city with “tons of great museums, historical sights, restaurants and a lot of great concerts,” that also happens to be “such a big college town. It’s easy to meet kids that go to BU, Harvard, Emerson, Northeastern or any of the other universities in the area.” BC students tend to be extremely ambitious; they are “those super-involved people in high school who were three-season team captains, class presidents and straight-A students. [They] have carried over that focus and determination into college.”
Listen I can live with the Princeton Review saying BC has better fans than the Ohio States, LSU’s, Georgia’s, Kentucky’s of the world, but better than Wabash College? That’s where I draw the line. Seriously this is one of those surveys that is almost so dumb that I’m doing myself a disservice by even acknowledging it.
Honestly how is the Princeton Review still in business? Because apparently you don’t need a brain, you don’t need to do any research, and you can just say whatever the fuck you want and people believe it. It’s like working for the fucking Stool. I mean even the biggest Superfan in the world probably choked when they saw this list. BC doesn’t belong in the top 300 never mind top 10. Unless of course only showing up in hoops when they play Duke or North Carolina and only showing up to Nationally Televised football games counts as being a good fans? And just before people say I’m just jealous keep in mind Michigan is #3 on this list which is also a joke.
27. Breitbart – Prostitutes are considered more trustworthy in China than government officials and scientists, a recent survey of more than 3,000 respondents showed. The online survey of 3,376 Chinese showed that 7.9 percent of respondents considered sex workers trustworthy, putting them in third place after farmers and religious workers, the Insight China magazine said on its website. “A list like this is at the same time surprising and embarrassing,” the China Daily said Tuesday in an editorial, commenting on the result of the survey, which was carried out in June and July. “The sex workers’ unexpected prominence on this list of honour… is indeed unusual.”
We surveyed 100 Asians. Top 5 answers on the board:
Who are the most trustworthy people in China?….WHORES!
DING DING DING! I don’t know why anyone would be surprised by these results. There exists a special bond betwen a John and his Trick. Cuz they shoot you straight. Ask me to fall backwards and trust a hooker will catch me? DONE. Ask the same of me with a Chinese Scientist? FUCK NO. Scientists are always hiding nukes and yellow cake and shit over in China. And Government officials are too busy tricking a billion people into maintaining order. Neither can be trusted. Plus there’s an old saying “I only trust them as far as I can throw them.” Well, luckily Chinese Hookers are pretty tiny, and I can throw them pretty damn far. So, really, I’m bound by the old adage. Sorry Scientists.
28. Las Vegas Sun - A conventioneer from Massachusetts is challenging a $29,512 bill for a night of entertainment and drinks at a topless dancing club in Las Vegas. James Hackett of Andover, Mass., filed a lawsuit Friday in Las Vegas against the owner of the Club Paradise Gentlemen’s Club and American Express Co., disputing the amount that was billed to his American Express card last Oct. 12. fter checking in to the Las Vegas Hilton, he went to a Hilton hotel bar to watch a Boston Red Sox baseball game on television and had some vodka martinis, his lawsuit says. While watching the game, someone handed him his wallet and said Hackett had dropped it, Hackett’s suit says. Nothing was missing from the wallet, but Hackett noticed his driver’s license and American Express card had been switched from their usual positions. Hackett said in his lawsuit he talked to some Red Sox fans from Phoenix, left for the hotel lobby and apparently blacked out there and can’t remember anything else that may have happened that night. He called his wife the next morning and told her about the dropped wallet incident and had her check with his credit card companies to ensure there were no unauthorized charges, the lawsuit says. No problems with his credit cards were immediately detected. But after returning to Massachusetts, Hackett said he learned of a series of charges to his American Express card by Club Paradise between 2:55 a.m. and 8:54 a.m. on Oct. 12. These totaled $29,512 — about $4,000 for a bar tab and more than $25,000 for “unexplained services” involving entertainers “Paulina,” “Jani Lee,” “Isabel,” “Vanessa,” “Roxanne” and “Lexi.”Hackett said in his lawsuit he has no recollection of visiting Club Paradise and that he filed police reports in Massachusetts and Las Vegas about the incident. The lawsuit questions not only whether the charges were valid, but the amount charged.”Such charges are astounding and cannot be supported as reasonable, including charges for entertainment totaling over $25,000 and charges for alcohol of $4,000, the value and quantity of which would have rendered any person so intoxicated as to have no capacity to knowingly consent to any services or charges supplied by defendant Club Paradise,” the suit alleges.
I’m trying to wrap to my brain around this story. The only possible thing that I can come up with is that this dude knew his wife would see the American Express bill. Why else would you sue and draw attention to it? Because I don’t care whether his complaints are legit or not, it wouldn’t be worth fighting it as long as it was a secret. I mean sucking up a 25K loss is a no brainer compared to trying to prove to your wife that it’s impossible to spend that much on “unexplained services” at Club Paradise. But once the he knew she’d see the credit card bill he sprung into action and did what any guy would do in this situation. He played the old I blacked out, got roofied , got kidnapped, got framed, got my wallet stolen and given back to me routine and was hoping one of the excuses would stick. Kind of got to admire the effort.
29. FoxNews - Russian soccer fans have been told to drink whiskey on their trip to Wales for next month’s World Cup qualifier to ward off the H1N1 swine flu virus, the head of the country’s supporter association (VOB) said Monday. “We urge our fans to drink a lot of Welsh whiskey as a form of disinfection,” VOB head Alexander Shprygin told Reuters. “That should cure all symptoms of the disease.” “Health officials say this virus is very dangerous but being a fan myself I can tell you that for a real fan nothing is more important than the well-being of the team,” said Shprygin, who also sits on the executive board of the Russian FA. “Russian fans don’t fear anything or anybody so this virus will not stand in our way of supporting our team.” “We don’t want our team to be without any support for such an important match so we urge our fans to go to Wales despite the health warning,” a spokesman said.
No matter what happens the rest of my life I already know what biggest regret will be when I die. No it’s not that I met the First Lady before I started Barstool Sports and wasted getting a ton of easy pussy although that’s up there. Instead it’s going to be that I didn’t grow up in the Soviet Union. I mean last night I was dead tired but I still couldn’t shut off The Sum of All Fears which by all accounts is not a very good movie. But you put the Russians in anything and I can’t turn it off. I don’t know what it is about these cold war fuckers, but I can’t get enough of them. I mean have you ever heard of anybody talking this type of trash to the Swine Flu before? Here in America we’re running around like scared little mice waiting for the world to end. Meanwhile the Soviets are just telling people to drink whiskey and travel all over the place. In other words H1N1 can go fuck itself because Russian fans don’t fear anything or anybody. I’m telling you it’s a fucking miracle we won the Cold War.
30. HOUSTON — A nearly 600-pound man was able to hide a weapon for more than a day while he was in custody, police told KPRC Local 2 Wednesday. “Obviously the system broke down,” former Harris County Detention Major Mark Kellar said. “The procedures didn’t work as they were designed to work.” Houston police said George Vera, 25, was arrested Aug. 2 and taken to the city jail. He spent a day there before being transferred to the Harris County Jail. After being there for 14 hours, going through intake procedures, he was taken to the showers, the final step before going to his cell. There, Vera told police he had a 9mm handgun on him, along with 2 clips. Kellar said Vera should have been searched at least three times before getting to the jail. Vera weighs nearly 600 pounds and the gun was allegedly hidden between fat layers. Houston Police Officers Union President Gary Blankinship said cadets are trained how to search morbidly obese people. “We teach officers to lift up and look under,” Blankinship said. “The officer may not have arrested anyone this big before.”
Hey don’t call this guy morbidly obese! That’s an insult! Seriously though what a banner day for fat people on the Stool huh? First we have the guy using his fat to get out of a DUI and now we get this guy hiding guns in his fat rolls. If this keeps up pretty soon fat is going to be the new skinny. Oh wait I forgot about the bitch who couldn’t get on the mini horse. Nevermind.
PS - If you’re a cadet and you’re told to “lift and look under” this behemoth that is an immediate fake a heart attack situation.